Mar. 12, 2018

The Message (Revised)

Dear kids, we love you very much. You are our future. We care deeply about you, your feelings, and your outlook on life. Just don’t protest, okay?

Dear kids, we are going to do everything we can do to reduce violence in your lives. We are examining the effects that violent video games may have on your psyche. We plan to police the content of movies, TV shows, and video games as a way to reduce the occurrence of gun violence. Then, we plan on taking you to the nearest Academy to buy you an automatic rifle in case the Democrats succeed at banning them.

Dear kids, we want you to accept Christ as your Savior. We are very concerned that your generation shows very little interest in faith. We want to make sure we do everything we can to draw you into our churches. Emotion, entertainment, energy…. we stop at nothing to seduce you despite statistics showing these measures have no long-term effects on your faith.

Dear kids, we are so concerned about your physical and spiritual safety that we are opening our own church schools in record numbers or selecting homeschool as our preferred choice. We’ve discovered parents will pay big bucks for us to guarantee that we will pray during the school day, hold chapel services, and insist that you wear new tennis shoes with your conservative clothing. If we homeschool you, we don’t have to worry about teaching you how to withstand the temptations and sins of the outside world. We call this our personal, protective cocoon. It doesn’t really matter if we know algebra or science. We read books, so that qualifies us to be an educator. We’re not sure why people pay to get a four-year degree to teach since most us do it with a high school diploma and a bible.

Dear kids, if you are not fortunate enough to live near a faith-based private school or your parents do not have the money to pay the high tuition costs, we are hoping that Christian teachers will ignore us when we bash public education. If we can keep some Christian teachers in public schools, our conscience is clear. We depend on the state to take care of the poor kids. Oh, wait. Scratch that. Our taxes are too high. We send our thoughts and prayers to the public education system.

Dear kids, we don’t want you to become sexually promiscuous. We will protect you from sexual promiscuity by withholding information about safe sex, the benefits of abstinence (because we just assume you “get it”), and the vaccination available just in case you don’t choose our way of life. We will take this Christian stand while watching any TV show we choose to watch regardless of how they feature promiscuity or unhealthy relationships. We can do that because we are adults. It’s our business what we choose to watch and do in our own homes.

Dear kids, speaking of Hollywood – we want you to realize that stars do not have the right to voice their political views. It really doesn’t matter to us that they are taxpaying, voting Americans. They gave up their right to publicly voice their political views when they made the decision to become stars. However, we are totally okay if our favorite evangelistic star takes to the airwaves and goes on the road with their candidate of choice. We’d much rather you listen to what our stars have to say since they agree with us. We really don’t look at their manipulation and their power play as being wrong. We call it their “witness.” We do not allow Hollywood stars to have a witness.

Dear kids, we feel very safe in Jesus’ arms. We trust Him to take care of you and us. Do not be afraid, kids. Just in case Jesus isn’t looking, don’t worry. Mom and Dad have a gun. Jesus may miss something, but we’re great shots!

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:5–9