All that I need...
I took a silly little quiz on Facebook recently. You know the kind where you answer five or six short questions and they analyze your entire life in about 3 seconds? Yea, one of those.
The quiz told me that I struggle with feeling worthy. You know what’s scary? The Facebook quiz and my answers to those five to six short questions revealed what I already know. I feel discounted in just about every area of my life, apart from my relationship to Jesus.
I suspect it began with being the youngest of four children. I was never the “first” at anything. Walking? They’d all done it. First tooth? They all grew one way before me. First day of school? Nope, three others had been there and done that before I got my chance.
The little quiz told me that every decision I make and every direction I take boils down to whether I act out of feeling unimportant or act within God’s love for me. My anger typically stems from feeling ignored, misunderstood, or minimized. My happiness seems to flow when I feel affirmed and accepted.
Isn’t that sad?
God has led me on a difficult journey that began in the final days of my sister’s life. The journey has been one of self-acceptance. It isn’t saying, “I am who I am and I cannot change.” It’s more of “I am who God created me to be and I need to accept myself.” With His guidance, of course.
This person inside my head; the being inside my body – that person feels: loved, hated, understood, misunderstood, appreciated, taken for granted, important, unimportant, happy, sad, at peace, and in turmoil.
Today this person is tired, inspired, discouraged, hopeful, angry, and okay all at the same time.
God created human beings to be very complex and intricate. None of us are perfect and all of us are on a journey that will lead us straight to the front door of Jesus. Everyone matters and He doesn’t hold any of us in higher esteem. We are all on level ground at the foot of the cross.
My new goal is to “lean in.” I will not flee from that which challenges me, but I will not succumb to the challenge. I will accept I have a way to go, but will not deny the growth I’ve experienced.
I am me. You are you. The beauty comes when we listen to understand one another and share to be understood ourselves. Often, we react and respond in a defensive mode as opposed to leaning in to embrace God and His design. We often fail to acknowledge how He designed us understanding that we do not all look alike, act alike, and feel the same regarding similar circumstances.
As I’ve sorted through the wide array of emotions over the course of a few weeks, I’ve learned all I need is Jesus. While it’s exciting and rewarding to live the journey with others, in the end – He’s all I need.
Signing off now. I’m going to re-read Psalm 139. Blessings to you and yours.