May. 31, 2017

It's all in my head...and in my heart.

Nobody panic. I’ve been traveling back in time lately. No, I haven’t invented a time machine. The traveling takes place in my mind. I am coping with an extreme sense of sadness. I realized over the holiday weekend that this sadness feels familiar. My mind tells me that’s because I’ve lived through this sadness before and I will live through it again and again and again. This sadness is a part of life.

The first childhood memory that surfaced stemmed from my mother’s need for emergency surgery. I vividly remember sitting in the living room of my family home holding a picture of my mother. I stared at the picture and cried; just cried. I missed her so much it took my breath away. I'd never been away from my mother overnight. I was most likely three or four years old. In those days, children weren't allowed to visit anyone in the hospital. We were seen as walking diseases putting everyone at risk.

The next memory of loneliness and sadness allowed me to travel back to when I was in third grade. My sister Becky and I went to spend a week with my grandparents in Louisiana. I woke up in the middle of the night and it hit me. I was so far away from my parents! I missed them desperately. I cuddled as close as I possibly could to my older sister Becky. She rolled over in her sleep and cradled me as I sobbed in her arms. I was so homesick.  She harassed me by day and comforted me by night. If you have a sister, you understand.

I miss my sister Debbie. Her death forced the feelings from the 2001 loss of my sister Becky to the surface. My family felt the feelings all over again – twofold. God reminded me that I survived deep sadness in the past and I will survive deep sadness in the future.

My head caught on. I hope my heart catches up soon. Thanks for your prayers. Much love.

Father, help me learn to trust in You with every ounce of my being. Remind me often not to try and resolve or reason within my own mind. In fact, please stop my overthinking mind and heal my overwhelmed heart. Thank You, Jesus. Amen.